In A World Without Sarcasm
by Dutchman89
Summary: Devil Wears Prada These are going to be a whole bunch of drabblesshort fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. MirandaAndy, femslash and a lot of humor. Any additional warnings will be included in the chapter.
1. Bedtime Story

Title: In A World Without Sarcasm 1: The Bedtime Story 

**Author: **Slashydutchie

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy

**Genre: **Humor

**Summary: **The first one in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today: "Why didn't you just climb into bed with her and ask for a bedtime story?"

**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

**A/N: **I mainly write this as a short break from other stories, which I entirely fail at keeping short. So, tell me what you think, 'cause I'm planning to write more.

**A/N2: **Storm Of Temptation will be updated this weekend, there was a virus on my laptop.

"Are you going to come upstairs again, Andy?" Andrea smiled at the sound of the twins' voices. "What do you two think?" she asked after she'd hung the dry cleaning in the closet and had unceremoniously dumped The Book on a table. "It's Friday!" "Yeah, it's Friday!" Andy laughed as she crept up the stairs. "Exactly… and what do we do on Fridays?" The twins just grinned as they followed Andrea, sneaking down the upstairs corridor to a by now very familiar door. "Okay, girls… on the count of three…"

Miranda Priestly had had a relatively quiet evening. The twins had pretended to go to bed on time, there was no husband to argue with and she'd even taken the luxury of going to bed a bit early just to relax. She glanced over at the clock. A few seconds to eleven… she took out her Harry Potter manuscript and waited.

"THREE!"

Right on cue, the door burst open and the bed creaked as it suddenly had to support three more individuals. "Honestly, Ahn-draya, girls… there's no need to pounce me every single Friday night!" Miranda exclaimed, laughing as all three crawled under the blankets. Their only reply was "BED-TIME STO-RY! BED-TIME STO-RY!"

Miranda chuckled and shook her head slightly. "Ahn-draya, there'll be a day I'll make you pay for starting this little routine…" It didn't seem to intimidate the brunette in question much, since she simply cuddled up. Like every week, Miranda gave in. Honestly, nobody was enough of an icequeen to resist those three faces giving her puppy eyes.

"Oh, fine… 'Night had fallen like a blanket over Hogwarts…'"


	2. American Idol

Title: In A World Without Sarcasm 2: American Idol 

**Author: **Slashydutchie

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy

**Genre: **Humor

**Summary: **The second of what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today: "We brushed each others' hair and gabbed about American Idol."

**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

**A/N: **Since there's no mention of Miranda's background in the movie (yes, there was in the book, but the book is either number two or three on my 'Worst Books Ever' list and thus I'm denying its existence), I'm going to make blatant fun of it.

"Why must all British people be so damn mean?!" Andy exclaimed to nobody in particular as Simon Cowell reduced yet another contestant to tears. Given, the girl had been worthless, but that was no excuse in Andrea's eyes. Evidently, she hadn't heard her apartment door opening.

"Well, Ahn-draya… I had no idea you felt about me that way," came the voice of Miranda Priestly. Andy didn't bother turning around. "Love… you ain't British. You just think the accent makes you sound more sophisticated than the Texas one." This hit a tender spot, as always, and the brunette couldn't help but smile as she heard a huff behind her. "And your hair's a mess," came the snappy reply, but it didn't carry the usual venom and only serviced to make Andrea laugh.

"Well, fix it if it bothers you so much," It isn't as if you're not going to mess it up tonight or anything… Andy added in the privacy of her own mind. "I just might do that…" And before Andrea really knew what was happening she was being viciously attacked with a hairbrush.

Five Minutes Later 

"Ahn-draya, you're absolutely right… that Simon fellow is an absolute arse." Miranda was aiming a glare at the screen that would've made Clackers wet themselves. "Tut, tut… language… and less hairspray, honestly!" Andy replied as she continued brushing. "But he's just plain mean to that girl! Not that her outfit doesn't make my hands itch to either redress her or scratch my eyes out so I'll never have to see it again."

Andy just chuckled and continued brushing.


	3. The Convention

Title: In A World Without Sarcasm 3: The Convention 

**Author: **Slashydutchie

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy

**Genre: **Humor

**Summary: **Number three in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today: "Some hideous skirt convention you have to go to?"

**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

Andy heaved a content sigh. This was perfect… she fit right in and her clothes were the talk of the party. There was a real feeling of belonging.

Above her head was a banner, it said: 'Hideous Skirt Convention' in bright lettering.

Just as she was peacefully discussing the benefits of a bright blue dress with pink polka dots for a nice night on the town that could be turned inside out to reveal neon green for those quieter moments, disaster struck. All around Andrea people were panicking, grabbing their favourite skirts and trying to get the hell out of there.

As Andrea looked towards the main doors, she discovered why.

There was Miranda, her arms crossed and glaring. On either side of her were Emily and Nigel, both carrying what appeared to be oversized vacuum cleaners. Behind them was Serena, leading a small army of Clackers who were all pulling carts of clothing, most of it appeared to consist of skirts.

"Prepare yourselves, my army of fashion!" came the voice of Miranda Priestly in full world domination mode. Andy sighed and walked towards her.

"Miranda, dear… we're going to need to have a little talk again."


	4. A Glacial Pace

**Title:** In A World Without Sarcasm 4: A Glacial Pace

**Author: **Slashydutchie

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy

**Genre: **Humor

**Summary: **Number four in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today: "By all means move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me." Really short one this time, but your imaginations will do the rest.

**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

"Oh God, Ahn-draya!"

This was how Andy liked it best. Just the two of them, Miranda attempting to order her around and/or give instructions. All sorts of instructions passed over those perfect lips, nearly every single one the younger woman thought possible… all except one, actually.

There was only one instruction Miranda would never, ever give: 'Faster'.

Who knew she meant it when she said a glacial pace thrilled her?


	5. To Kill For

**Title:** In A World Without Sarcasm 5: To Kill For

**Author: **Slashydutchie

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy

**Genre: **Humor

**Summary: **Number five in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today everybody's favourite: "A million girls would kill for that job."

**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

Some boots were made for walking… some shoes were made for running… Prada definitely didn't belong to either of those groups.

"THEY'RE AFTER MEEEE!"

Emily was about to roll her eyes at Andrea's shouting. It was a good eyeroll, very well practiced. Not that the second assistant would actually be able to see it. This was because of two reasons.

Reason one: Andrea Sachs had just passed by through the narrow hallway at a VERY high speed and was already running into the office.

Reason two: Emily only got halfway through the roll before being stampeded by a horde of extremely fashionable girls.

"Ahn-draya… why, pray tell, are you under my desk?" Miranda frowned at the shaking brunette. The poor girl didn't even get a chance to answer before the door burst open and dozens of young women carrying assorted weaponry (including, but not limited to: a morningstar, a knife, a baseball bat and stiletto-heeled shoes).

"Ah…" Miranda leaned back in her chair. "What… are you doing here?"

There was a lot of mumbling, shoe shuffling and girls trying and failing to conceal weapons behind their back.

"That's all." The girls damn near stampeded each other this time in their hurry to get out, but just ended up running over Emily again who had only just managed to get up.

"Killer competition, isn't it Ahn-draya?" Miranda raised an elegant eyebrow at the assistant currently kneeling between her legs.

"Thank you, THANK YOU, Miranda! You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?"

Miranda smiled her famous semi-evil smile. "Well, while you're down there…"


	6. A Gold Star

**Title:** In A World Without Sarcasm 6: A gold star  
**Author: **Slashydutchie  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Summary: **Number six in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today (for bored an' sleepy ): "And you want to know why she doesn't kiss you on the forehead and give you a gold star on your homework at the end of the day."  
**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.  
**A/N: **So yeah, long time no see... but inspiration for these drabbles came back!

Nigel stopped in his tracks and stared, all brain function apparently leaving him in a way even the most scantily clad hot model hadn't been able to make him do in his entire career.

"Is that...?" he finally managed.

"A giant gingerbread manger on Miranda's desk? Yes," Emily supplied from behind him.

"And why...?"

"It's our homework assignment," came a small voice to his left, making Nigel jump half a foot in the air.

"Andy helped," came a near-identical voice from the right, supplying all the extra shock the poor man needed to achieve the full foot as the giggling twins sped into the office.

"Of course she did," Nigel mumbled as he joined Emily in glaring mildly at the culprit who had just now emerged from behind the gingerbread monstrosity that was presently disgracing Runway's sacred halls with its aroma. Didn't she realize there were people trying to starve in here?

To his credit, Nigel managed not to yelp as Miranda breezed past, taking the Dolce & Gabbana star gown she'd told him to bring from his unresisting grasp as she did so. He did, however, scream (just a little) as she then proceeded to drape it over the roof of the... homework.

"Perfect," the fashionista decided before leaning over and kissing Andrea and the twins on the forehead.


	7. Till Death Join Us

**Title:** In A World Without Sarcasm 7: Till Death Join Us  
**Author: **Slashydutchie  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Summary: **Number six in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today: "Is there some reason that my coffee isn't here? Has she died or something?"  
**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

**A/N: **Feel free to add your own suggestions in the reviews, I'll try to work my way through all of them!  
**A/N2: **Also, I know this one turned out as more of a pointless little ficlet rather than a funny drabble.

"Is there some reason that my coffee isn't here? Has she died or something?"

Nigel had had a _very _long day. Miranda had thrown out three shoots, pulled up another, decided another had to be shot again with models who were supposed to _made_ available (one had turned out to currently be six months pregnant, and even _that _reason for not being available had been a hard sell) and told him to think of something entirely new for the new 'green design' spread that was not allowed to actually include green and/or industrial space.

This was no true excuse, but it was the only reason he could think of as to why he pulled his most sincere face.

"Yes, Miranda... she has."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"You told her _what_?" a very much alive Andrea Sachs exclaimed, staring at her friend in absolute horror.

"Well, it's not like I meant to... she stormed off before I could tell her I was only joking!" Well, it wasn't really a joke as much as a failed attempt at sarcasm. Or deadpan humor. Or... something. Frustrated with his brain's lack of activity, Nigel decided that his day could not actually get worse by stealing Miranda's coffee and he snagged the cup off the tray, downing a few gulps without caring about how hot it was.

"A joke? Telling Miranda I'm dead isn't funny at all!" By the way Andy was fuming it seemed a lot more as if Nigel's life was the one in danger rather than her own.

"It's a little funny," Emily said with her usual appreciation for sadism directed at anyone but herself, making both others in the room jump, Nigel spilling hot coffee over his Armani shirt.

"Emily! How long have you been standing there?" he squeaked, frantically trying to polish it off with the nearest piece of available fabric... which just happened to be Andrea's scarf. The second Nigel noticed this he let go of it very gingerly and backed off a little, putting the table between himself and the fuming brunette just in case.

"Long enough," the Brit said smugly as she sauntered (yes, Emily had mastered the true art that was sauntering) into the room. "And I have a..." she paused as a delicate cough rang out from the hallway. "_Serena_has a plan."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"I have a bad feeling about this," Andy told Serena for the umpteenth time as the blonde finished her make-up.

This bad feeling might have had something to do with the fact that they were inside Miranda's townhouse. In the bedroom. On the bed.

"And I suppose you have a better plan that _doesn't_ end with any of us losing their job?" Emily said testily, earning herself a smile from Serena, which in turn chalked up an eyeroll from Nigel.

"Explain to me again how _pranking _Miranda won't result in us getting fired?" Again was the operative word there. Serena had explained her plan several times now and somehow it always seemed very reasonable coming from the blonde... and then Andy would pause and think and realize how stupid and idiotic and...

"I hear Prada in the hallway!" Nigel exclaimed, running out of the room along the pre-designated flight path.

"Such a hero..." Emily mumbled, rolling her eyes as she followed the art director. She made it look as if she wasn't running by means Andrea could only describe as 'sheer Britishness'.

"Good luck, Andy!" Serena winked before following the redhead. She too appeared not to be running, but that was because she wasn't running by means of what anyone could describe as 'ridiculously long legs'.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Miranda was going to _kill _Nigel.

Her blue eyes, now suspiciously red-looking, took in the sign at the head of the bed.

And Emily. She was going to kill Emily too.

Slowly she strode towards the bed and noted the make-up on Andrea's motionless face.

So Serena was to be murdered as well.

Andrea, however... well... she was already dead.

And the sign _did _say 'Please kiss to revive'.


	8. Andy to the Rescue

**Title:** In A World Without Sarcasm 8: Andy to the Rescue  
**Author: **Slashydutchie  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Pairing: **Miranda/Andy  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Summary: **Number eight in what's going to be a whole bunch of drabbles/short fics in which I take quotes from DWP WAY too seriously. Today: "What does she want you to do, call the National Guard and have her airlifted out of there? "  
**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to other people… if it belonged to me Andy and Miranda would have pounced on each other… multiple times.

**A/N: **Please guys, I need your suggestions/requests/ideas. It's getting more and more difficult to think of quotes to use, probably because I'm consistently overlooking some.  
**A/N2: **Minor stroke of genius here, I'll also take quotes that aren't in the actual film or book, but that any of the characters COULD have said. So if your fic has Emily firing off a spectacular zinger or Serena samba-deadpans her way through the Elias-Clarke building, do tell.

* * *

Miranda Priestly was displeased.

As per usual, this was bad news for the universe in general and particularly for one Andrea Sachs, whose job it was to somehow find a way to remedy the situation.

Cell reception had been sketchy at best, but those calls the ice queen had managed to place left little doubt of what was to be done. She had to get out of the very literal blizzard and back home in time to watch the twins perform in their school play.

It was the hurricane incident all over again.

Except, that this time, Andy had been prepared. Ever the journalist, she had researched and blackmailed her way into some pretty influential circles and that was why, even as Miranda attempted her forty-seventh irate call of the evening, the fashion maven's words were drowned out by the unmistakable sound of a helicopter.

A hovering helicopter.

Right over her head.

"We can't land in this weather, miss Sachs!" the pilot announced, eyeing the determined brunette with something akin to panic in his eyes. "We'll have to go back! This is insane!"

Andrea fixed him with a level gaze as she grabbed a harness and clicked it into place. "With all due respect... until you've worked at Runway, you have no idea what insanity is."

The poor man didn't even get a chance to protest as the assistant leapt from the helicopter. 

_A few minutes later..._

"Ahn-draya," Miranda began slowly, but loudly. The latter was rather necessary to be heard over the noise of the helicopter's blades.

"Yes, Miranda?" Andy asked, aiming a smile at the woman clinging to her as the two of them dangled under the helicopter.

"I'm impressed." 

_Meanwhile, at that exact moment..._

Emily's high-pitched scream startled every New York pigeon in a five-block radius.

"Emily, what is it?" Serena asked as she ran in to check on her.

For a few moments all the British assistant could do was stand there shaking, blue eyes wide, her already pale complexion now white as a sheet, as if she'd seen some sort of ghost.

"I'm... I'm not sure," she whispered. "I just had this incredible sensation that there is something very wrong in the world."


End file.
